Tag Archives: loss

I don’t like silence, I don’t like this peace…

17 Nov

Nature has been extremely kind and balanced with me. It has always made sure that I have ample pots of emotions to deal with. It gives me one pot of emotional satisfaction in barter of another pot of emotional happiness. It’s very traditional in its approach- still following the age long barter system. I shifted to this new house with all excitement of spending some time in my balcony- under the sky roof, with birds chirping- me and my books, some light music and preferably silence. That last part of the previous sentence contains a lot of pain. There are forms of silence you do not look forward to- silence of separation, distance and inevitable change. That is the silence I see seeping deep inside my eyes and quite honestly it’s not welcome. It’s a fast roller coaster ride that I witnessed my heart experiencing. I could hardly establish the transition of this ride, from one high sky rocketed height to under the earth deep ground depths. I witnessed my tears struggling, experienced my breath going away, found myself stunned and as I said – that is when I wrote ‘It all starts with breeze turning into wild winds’. The winds churned me with them- I am much shrinker and frozen with this sudden change. Isn’t it always that you know it is coming but what takes you off guard is the way it comes? I always knew the change will come but the shape of it is Huge for me.
As I want to write what you mean to me- I go blank. I did tell you, when I love someone, I make them my idol, I submit myself to them. That is what I meant and that is what I did. With some real uncomfortable times to some precious more than life moments that I shared with you, there was always something great in aroma, gentle in beauty and ferocious in efforts that I was exploring. I could never run as fast as you could but that is what amazed me. Your sprints and what they taught me at each huge leap. You made it so simple and effortless that it was all more than the worth of what I could put in. We are poles apart and that is what gets me to you. An astonishment of total different side of thinking and some more than brilliant thoughts. My learning with you went as deeper as my endless Virgin love. Your aura binds me close and confined in the space I always wanted to get confined. Probably for the first experience of life that I don’t like freedom, I don’t like silence, I don’t like this peace. Love you.


Thick Smoke You Were

1 Jul

While I saw you dissolving in thick smoke, it was hard to believe that will never see you again. Never ever. Life as we call it seem to be like a hollywood flick to me. If I think I know it, or may be not all but know it partially at least it surprises me that I did not know even tip of it. There comes such revelations that I can’t believe they were trapped in me. Its so unbelievable. I never knew – this is how important you were for me. I never felt like this for any ‘Human’ relationship so far. Nona is what I called you and you were generous to accept all the names we all four gave you. Today, while clock hits 24 hours since you left us or I’ll say we could not follow you, I don’t know what to call this feeling I have right now. It’s your absence that has left a clean silence with us. Everywhere, home, heart, memories…as I said everywhere.
They say pain goes away with time. I’ll like to believe it changes it’s form with time. It does not go away. Today it is in the form of tears, years later it will take form of memories of suffering you had in last days of life and decades later it will transform to all the good memories associated with you. The pain just transforms but it stays right where it originated. I watch videos, read articles, watch movies and I am fine until I am involved in some diversions of mind. But, Nona life is not diversions. You could not divert death, we could not divert your pain, we cannot divert the evidence of emptiness. I have this writing for you right now, or is it for myself? I might write more again soon or maybe later. Life is giving me some signals for a while. Signals which are not encouraging.

You abstained me from your visibility-

25 May

One year post you cease to exist, I have no feelings, no pain, no tears, no cries, no sadness around. A person who thrives on emotions and well quite a lot of them goes so numb? Seems like I am still in a dilemma if you are actually no longer around! Last year this day while I was crying, was sad deep inside because it was time for me to take a flight back from Chicago to My homeland, time to be back home and sad because it was time for me to bid g’bye to the extended family I made with my hotel stay at US, you were saying g’bye to my immediate family here back home. Me so unaware, so hidden, so away, so in dark. For me as the flight landed on 27th May I did not touch the ground but I got dumped in a hollow. It’s like a black hole so dark yet not black but grey. You lived a very silent life and you vanished silently. For me your existence then and now is silence. Sorry I could not make it on 25th May my Granny when you so much wanted me to be around to witness the last smile on your face. I never knew you were surrendering to God of Non-existence. You were so strong my Granny that your approaching age was shadowed by your will and strength to live-making me scorned that it’s time for you to go away. For me you abstained your visibility.

Lost my Granny on May 25th 2011 while I was out of my homeland. I was exposed to this loss only on my arrival back on May 27th 2011.