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Thick Smoke You Were

1 Jul

While I saw you dissolving in thick smoke, it was hard to believe that will never see you again. Never ever. Life as we call it seem to be like a hollywood flick to me. If I think I know it, or may be not all but know it partially at least it surprises me that I did not know even tip of it. There comes such revelations that I can’t believe they were trapped in me. Its so unbelievable. I never knew – this is how important you were for me. I never felt like this for any ‘Human’ relationship so far. Nona is what I called you and you were generous to accept all the names we all four gave you. Today, while clock hits 24 hours since you left us or I’ll say we could not follow you, I don’t know what to call this feeling I have right now. It’s your absence that has left a clean silence with us. Everywhere, home, heart, memories…as I said everywhere.
They say pain goes away with time. I’ll like to believe it changes it’s form with time. It does not go away. Today it is in the form of tears, years later it will take form of memories of suffering you had in last days of life and decades later it will transform to all the good memories associated with you. The pain just transforms but it stays right where it originated. I watch videos, read articles, watch movies and I am fine until I am involved in some diversions of mind. But, Nona life is not diversions. You could not divert death, we could not divert your pain, we cannot divert the evidence of emptiness. I have this writing for you right now, or is it for myself? I might write more again soon or maybe later. Life is giving me some signals for a while. Signals which are not encouraging.


Art and Artists – unraveling the passion

31 May

Rockstar – an Indian cinema movie with story of a boy from regular Indian Capital City household growing to be a renowned Rockstar. Sounds typical? Well to touch the intensity of this movie you want to hear its songs which mellow down in your ears, the nerves of your hearing senses, giving a sweet yet venomous pain, you’ll go in trance like one of those experiences where you absolutely cherish the pain in all your strongest of senses.
Where did all this stream of pain in the movie and the story came from? Where does all the magic of loss and magnetism came from? For long I had a belief or should I call it observation that all those incredibly famous, popular, seek for, amazingly well artists and their troupes have been inspired by the hollowness of their personal life. To have it all in life still to have it missing in life is the most Complicated situation one can be in. Their pain is their strength, they throw in all the fire grasped from their empty pockets of relationships where they can’t and just can’t fit anyone for various reasons. With all the fame and glittery, genuine love stops existing for these souls. Beings around want to be with them for chases they receive in life – from media, followers, public and so on and so forth. In search of a soul mate, their soul starts waxing, filled with tears and cries still drying up inch by inch. Newton’s Law of potential energy proves its theory and existence here. It reflects that each empty space has energy and well quite maybe more than what a composite block has in this case because these empty spaces are powerhouses for these artists. Quite evidently and ironically they are thriving on their art displaying the pain contained which the world likes in their expressions however as they return back to dark corners of home it’s really dark in there with light just this much enough that only their cries, pain, silence, expressions and art is visible. All else including their real self is hidden in this darkness. Their expression is life for mass ironically , cry of being lifeless for themselves.

Black and White to Colored pictures

29 May

Flipping through a huge bag of old pictures this afternoon, I found them so simple, so sophisticated, so clean, so gray, so black and so white. There wasn’t a third color in them. They were so straight, direct, uncluttered and made aim of their own. They spoke sense with me and were so elementary to deal with. They conveyed to me the days my parents grew in, the days of simplicity when – faces, people, culture, hobbies, music, dances, movies, relationships, families, bread running, home, environment, roads, markets, enjoyment, sky, ocean, forests, vacations, excursion , smiles, laughter, loss and well almost everything else was so linear. As I started looking through the pictures which began getting printed in color labs, they were tangled, incredibly crowded, rich to be compared and not as much cherished, fake smiles, poses, less green leaves, muddier water of oceans, sky so invisible in high rise structures, vacations looked more of a haste to explore the world outside home country to be discussed in those ‘elite’ high tea conversations. Bread running turned to cultivation of ‘Career’ occupying most part of life, relationships seemed now broken and fragile and at occasions totally absconding! Parents with crisis of time and patience for kids. Warm home turned to be a cold house constantly gazing at me with sarcastic smile, constant struggle of getting better and far better! Well really from whom and for what?
While colors added lot of aspects to life, they brought dynamic civilization with them and needed extreme lot of coordination to set right shades with each other else they look chaotic, noisy, out of sync and just not appealing! This sequence demands energy and focus, more complex planning methods. Just when we were not even exposed to all shades of grey, black and white, we added several new colors and now it’s all so complicated wired.
I have a minimalist personality and I just want to stick to three colors black, white and gray and their several shades because I don’t want to crave for race but crave and action for competing against myself to be better human being in my all human aspects of conduct, behavior, responsibilities, thought process and actions- little higher on my scale for myself as compared to each previous precious day.