Archive | August, 2013

Woman discovering Woman

25 Aug

As I march towards womanhood I see myself getting astonished by myself. All the answers that I received as a response from Maa or GrandMaa now fall in the frame perfect. I know now why they could never explain it to me that how did they manage ‘so much’ independently? I do realise and absorb the answer now- ‘it happens with time’ but along with that what I also realise is that as a Woman I am differently wired. We are wired to get a new life to the world, it gets as basic as that. When a woman carries the child,develops him, nurtures him, bring him to life and existence further nourish him-she invents a new life! She is built to do it. It comes from her core and it comes very plain to her. She gets this direction from her instinct to nurture, care, be warm, spread love and above all – think!
She thinks about all life breathing around her. About how to improve and regenerate, make it a better place to ponder around, invent, all this in a continuous monologue.
It’s as straight as how Men know if the car has broken down, is it the wheel or the carburetor or is it the shoe brake well who knows maybe clutch wire? Each time they are the doctors of their vehicle, someway or the other they know the reason of break down. Their peace is at knowing what is wrong and fixing it.

A woman’s solace is in nurturing, caring, spreading warmth and inventing.

They ask me what would I be doing if I was not thinking of them or taking care of them at the moment? They ask me with a thought process that am I diminishing my interests, dissolving my personality and zeroing out my existence while ‘dedicating’ myself?

My answer begins with a question-
Why do I need to leave something to do another thing? That is, what makes it project that if I am doing an ‘extra bit’, I have ‘compromised’ on myself to achieve that?
Answer to your question is the age old answer- ‘it happens with time’.
I am wired to do more than what seems realistic but IS realistic. I have been bestowed with courage and strength to shoulder it what you label as ‘extra bit’. I perform those bits parallel and no – in the process I am not ‘dedicating’ myself! I am just being plain sincere as a human.

What astonishes you now and astonished me as a child is invention of nature. It knew a woman is to nurture and hence is to be developed differently yet not exceptionally.
To me it’s recognition of skills we possess as a man and a woman. It’s balance of nature, balance of abilities, balance of existence.

What I do and appears ‘extra bit’ to you is what I am wired for. What stops my continuous phase of invention is not addition of the care and responsibility for you but demolition of my wiring which announces for taking care of you.

I am in existence to discover

Connected with the disconnects

21 Aug

Connected with the disconnects I am
Closest to the farthest of the distances I stand
Protected yet most naked I pose
Strongest in my weaknesses I span
Covered in the sun I feel
Heat of the ice I read
Water of the dry rays I absorb
Silence of the chaos I hear for sure
Thin film of thick black cloud I see
Skin to skin, breath to breath I mean
Colorful in color of black I picture
Not told stories I look for
All conversations feel less and left
All talks, are they for real or fest
All touch, hand mingling, fingers touching
All kisses, stars falling or shining is it?
All clouds dry yet draining the waters it seems
All desert vast yet consumed in the black hole it feels
Connect me with your heart back again
My heart beats have numbed, paused and are faint
World seems like a daunted picture
Words seem like a scream of emotions
Eyes appear like mountain made of questions
My feet on the ground yet no base it’s cumbersome

Can you come

20 Aug

Can you come and make me sleep in my dreams
Can you come and make me sing in my dance
Can you come and embrace me in my embraces
Can you come me make me smile through my eyes
Can you come and hold me like I hold myself
Can you come and live your soul inside
Can you come and make me laugh in your laughter
Can you come and lighten me with your strength
Can you come and lift me to the depths of sky
Can you come and cuddle me to the shore which has been dry
Can you come and make it colorful through grey and black
Can you come and lift my feet in heaven in shed
Can you come and shred the coarse thorns skin of my loneliness
Can you come and pour freshness of US of togetherness

I stand stub

20 Aug

It’s one of those days when songs of my mind are yelling so loud that I want to ignore the songs on my device. My definitions are different. We blame the use of words in our arguments, what we differ in are the depth of our words. Some are shallower than yours and some are deeper so much that they form a black hole. Tonight even my words leave my companionship. I want and don’t want them. I feel and don’t feel like typing all of it tonight. I go back and come back and again go back to the dark corners and lighter windows. Now I stand still without a roof top or structure around me. My boundaries don’t exist as if I am somewhere in clouds or deep in ocean. All I see is immense range of never ending water and ever extending horizon. I feel compelled and then extremely doubtful of typing it all tonight. I am filled and very empty at the same time. Tonight I am living and stagnating. Night claims I am crowded yet alone all by myself tonight and every other night in my life. I stand stub.

Let me be myself

19 Aug

No matter how much the waters of the world try to assimilate me, I keep coming back to the salts of my own zone. It’s silky lather on my skin does not let me stay but slip from the general world out there.
It’s a constant fight with my own self to be and yet not be in those waters. Portion of my personality stays there for survival of my day but the only place I get solace and peace is my slippery land of salts.
I try being the assimilated material but my composition turn out to be bit too strong to be broken.
It’s an argument with myself every moment, every night, every breath that I take. To be or not to be the world. I try, I struggle, I slide and I slip, I scratch, I hurt. It keeps reminding me I don’t belong to be the world.
I assimilated in you. I dissolved portions of my core in you. It was all magical and I could not help but glide. I did not slip, no scratch either. I raised from the core.
I fail trying to be the world. I am myself, a small world of salts. It’s porous, coarse on its skin and bitter on some portions. It’s no water. World is water. Mine is salt. I can pretend only as much to be water but if I breath, I do in the salt.
Let me be the water for the bigger world of ocean but with you let me be the salt.
Let me be the crazy passionate stupid emotional yet practical strong thoughtful hardworking soul.
There are faces of me you can never admire but then there are faces of me you cannot imagine with anyone else.
Let me be myself because if there is one challenge I can lose in life that will be ‘pretense’.

All I want…

12 Aug

All I want is some love, little touch, a kiss that I don’t want to miss
All I crave for is hand held, shoulder felt, eyes met that gaze at me endless
What I dream is pink soft talks, lovely walks, sweetness so plain- that is all I want to gain
All I think is colorful world, foot tap so heard, finger’s warmth I don’t want sun to dawn
All I see is horizon so neat, needs of my hear beats, thumping sentiments with love and enticements.

The love is the…

12 Aug

The love that I seep at the bottom of my heart is
The love that I nurture for the love of my life and
The love that I see in the wild tides of ocean is
The love that I carry for the lover of my life for
The true and the white that purity it has is
The music the notes and the colors it spreads for
The world of my rainbow the small sheltered spectrum for
The love of my life for
The sound of my tide for
The heights of my moon for
The glory of our noons for
The belongingness in our hands for
The way mine fit in your palm for
The colors plain and single for
Us to jingle and remain mingled