Archive | September, 2012

Loneliness left with loneliness-

29 Sep

Experiencing hitting a level where even slow meaningful songs of weakened relationships no more make eyes rain. Not even a drop drip – as if it’s all deserted. Stretched across quite wind, passing over grains of summer soil – no the approach of fall does not make summer go away in this part of the heart. Gray tone of thoughts blemish the smoky sun rays. Feels like being an entertainer for delight of audience. Like a stand up comedian who is always looked up-to creating humor in all situations even when it’s really a heart burn! Entertainer – dressed up in pretty flamboyant dress, peck beautiful make up veil on face and decked up in Swarovski jewels dazzling through neck line and collar bone. Crystal nail art with blue background shine wide. How more stoop can it get from here? Its the bottom of this shallow deep ocean of black clouds. Clouds sitting at base of heart, reaching the heights of sky. Rainbow also appears in just one color in this sky – Dark Gray. Powerful pain of loneliness won over the only friends- tears. Now even they don’t support in vail- deserted heart and eyes seek a faithful friend. Loneliness left only option of being more lonely and dried. It gives the feeling of being on a drug- a drug which only affects the most vulnerable room of the body – ‘Heart’.
Looking for fresh sad melodies- new lonely poetry- alas! All sing the same tone. This indicates all part of loneliness have been explored and
befriended. Only drug of being with fresh sad thoughts has also dissolved. Where to go from here? Just where? Off to sleep with that thought…


Water and salt for taste

27 Sep

‘Water can dissolve salt because the positive part of water molecules attracts the negative chloride ions and the negative part of water molecules attracts the positive sodium ions.’

Have you ever noticed water gulping on that pinch of salt within itself? Only to ‘taste’ that it is still alive.

Further scientist explains –
‘As salt is mixed into water, the charged water molecules break apart the charged salt molecules which are combined in a weaker ionic bond.’

Yes it’s the weaker emotional bond that pulls our strands apart. All this with ease and smooth transition.

Remember the taste of salty water though? It makes it’s presence felt the moment you sip it. Just the way emotions function, they bring charged bonds with their presence- positive and negative both.
As the crystals of salt dissolve in water, it swirls, release bubbles, turn smoky white and define its line stronger on a clear tall glass. Fine line around the rim of the crystal glass – one that is visible after pouring out the salty water away from the glass. Thin line, sitting there still on the upper rim of the glass. A line that water without salt will not possess to leave. Water with components of noise, energy, power, flow, ceaseless, shapeless, frameless water. Shape of which is defined by the crystal glass. Salt with attributes of strength in its pungent smell, small but of shape, crystal shape, shiny tiny pieces of salt writing their story on the rim for themselves.
Salty emotions leave a feeble appearance but stronger fringes on glass rim which water without salt cant do for itself. Making watery shapeless life emotionally salty but just a pinch – salt dissolving in water but that is where it belongs. It is weaker for a reason and for its purpose. Water and salt for each other for life to possess a taste.

Unsettled discovery of one soul of Man-

23 Sep

As drops of green tea go down my throat, I peep outside this glass door reflecting back the lights of outside world – some outside, some on my clothes. I wanted to be here, sitting quietly with some work of passion playing on my ear phones. October is smiling at me and I felt the first cool breeze of the season this evening while crossing the road- walking alone, passing by some huge trees- under the shades of green leaves. Huzzle Buzzle of this market but still everything is so silent.

This breeze reminded me of all the festival seasons and celebrations that touch me each year. It has been such a romantic sparkling feeling so far but only now…The first touch of this colder breeze left me with shivers today. It felt as if I was pulled back to all the years that have passed and all the Octobers that were spent. Octobers of togetherness and romance. Octobers of excitement of winter approaching. One covering my face especially nose with evening mist. I was brought down to reality check- I was not prepared for an October this year. That is when I wanted to be here at this tea shop for blood toxins washed away by green tea and heart poison healed by expression through my writing.
Back to where I started writing this piece- dripping green tea through my throat. A tear just trickled down my left eye. No one noticed. I am in nostalgia and these songs buzzing from the ear phones make it smoother to experience this experience quietly. Silence in the most busy area of the city where this tea shop is placed- where currently I am placed.Silence because so much has already been talked. So much has already been thought. So much has already been done. So much of cries and sobbing. Now it has dropped to just one tear, trickling down in rhythm with the drip of my green tea – trickling down. This fume in the air, fragrance of fresh season, soft supple touch of free breeze make me feel arrested in ashes of so called ‘got over with’ togetherness and remind me I arose like Phoenix from it all. I sit here in this chair twisting my one leg over the other and one arm cuddling the second (when I am not typing remembering all and all). I try to stay strong in my black mid high boots, walk with chin up in high heels of these shoes. Glitter on my eyes and lips, dazzle of my shining bracelet, glamour of my Zara neck piece hides away the marks of loneliness or maybe they attract the on lookers to my features more than my overly strong body language- overly strong to hide away terrible burns floating in my eyes. From this tea table, I can see the spot of the amphitheater where a terrible argument was born and eventually sorted leaving grudge of waste of that precious time of belongingness. With warm sips of my green tea I am checking upon all those streets of memories I thought I left behind but this October touch reminds me – no I never did. As I say, pain does not go away but it just changes its form. This is a changed form of pain that I witness settling in me at this moment. Defeat is only a state of mind and I feel sad for my state of mind. I have been under illusion that I have walked over the feeling of lost togetherness well truth is I got more comfortable with the loneliness. This strength of being alone gives me the thought of sitting silently with green tea drops and flipping pages of my writing. All those memory street lamps still leave me perplexed. Their dim light still strikes me sharp in my face. While swimming with my faithful loneliness in deep black water of jumbled streets, I gaze at the sun above but that too seemed to have been hidden by scars of moon – a moon shining brighter than the sun. Similar to your amazement for illogical universal facts of my writing is my amazement for confusing human relationships of man and woman. Silence in this domain of life is encouraged when I notice couples fighting and arguing. The longevity to be with a beloved is charred with glimpses of poison poured by them over each other. This thought and just this thought makes me cozy up with my loneliness- sad not for being alone but for unsettled discovery of one soul of Man who can connect with this woman and her blue world.

Why I need my coffee?

16 Sep

I put on my invisible thought like ear phones- symphony playing in the background. I get up from the desk, check for my clutch and phone. I take giant leaps in my wedge heels, people turn heads as I walk tall and fast. I pass some groups chatting, some colleagues grinding deep through daily target files, over hear some conversations of resolutions to customer queries but I am too fast to hear it all for real. As I step out and gaze through the glass door of the building, approaching the staircase with some familiar faces passing by – we exchange day ‘Hellos’ and I walk by the gallery. I step out of the building in open arena- some couples sitting arguing, explaining. Friends taking a stroll, colleagues discussing daily issues- a very busy life I see around. Tall towers illuminated by brilliance of light and I come walking fast turning heads again with my giant leaps. I get the fresh air of the day as I get closer to the coffee shop. I walk in, greeting the gate keeper. He smiles, people at the counter smile. All smile because I am regular at the coffee shop. They translate through their smiles that they like the energy I bring along. They like the little talks I hold with them, that I build a connect and be more than just a daily coffee consumer of their outlet. They know my order and confirm it for me. I talk all but my order with them because by now they have by hearted it. It’s my frequency of visit or their sharp memories?
I get best of the coffee made for me, two brown sugar sachets and I walk back with first sip of divine drips -exactly as I open the door of the shop to exit. I walk back, striding with more energy and throb. I see new people, over hear talks, get perspective, glare at the sky covering me high high up. I pass by some laughters, few smiles, some chats, fights, quarrels, arguments. I pass by lot of people. They see me walking alone while my cup of coffee accompanies me, witnessing all thatI witnessed. Witnessing me being a witness. My coffee is my companion- it smiles at me when I smile listening to a conversation. It gives me a warming strong hold in my hand. It’s gives me the heat I need in cold and it stays with me for hours to come as I sip each little drop gradually throughout the day. It is with me when I go out for walks alone- terrified and frustrated with phases of life. It gives me the liquidity I need when I push down my thoughts on these notes. My coffee becomes my silent admirer remaining just as much warm as I need it to be. It gives me the sweetness I sustain and gulps down the bitterness that runs like toxin in my blood. My coffee is my silent observer, making me visit the world alone for them but together for ourself.

Songs of the mind

10 Sep

Surprising it is how songs playing in my head change as day progresses in various phases. From soothing sunrise songs to immense energetic beats of preparation for hours to come, transforming to stable peaceful songs of drive – setting my thoughts into perspective on my way to work. They turn more quiet as I punch in my ID card entering the office premises. They become my companion with little touch of piano and saxophone as I get involved in my daily office chores. The saxophone gets replaced by more soothing tinch of jazz and flute as evening sets in. While the day closes and mind is rich with fresh memories of the day – connection are made with old wires of thoughts making new circuits, new sparks, new glimpse of power and energy.
Sun sets down leaving my songs more meaningful and deep. Now they jingle in my eyes as much as in my head. Way back to home is filled with introspection, orange like the setting sun. Rich with warmth of sun shining bright the entire day. Now the songs are not just heard but listened as well . They narrate me the story of the day, they teach me the lessons I missed and leave me more warmly pumped up. As the moon and stars appear on my Windows’s curtains, asking me to go to sleep- my songs are of love, cries, silence, experiences, laughters, togetherness, separation, talks, touch, creativity, opportunities, betterment, brightening darkness and hope. Off to sleep…with a tear at the corner of the eye- at times of happiness, at other times of missing contentment…

Opposites draw in but…

5 Sep

Opposites attract, yes for sure they do but we limit the observation to the draw in. They are individual identities, would like to repeat the word – “individual”. They don’t shed their identities and as soon as the attraction is realized and settled, identities emerge. The observation should now begin. It’s a picture of a warrior, fresh from the battlefield. Raw, smudged with blood, cozied up with flesh bites, tissues and skin of dead on his chest and muscular arms. His eyes are red in rage and fury, forehead sprinkled with hot blood and sweat mix. His nails are sharp and stretched in encouragement of the battlefield. His hair are all kissed with mud. His sword is heavy and glinting bright with tinch of blood of those which it defeated for the warrior. His muscles appear tensed, stretched and alert with post war symptoms. He walks around the battle field, making his steps heard till the doors of the castle and then looks up at the bright shining sun rays, saluting him and then he looks at the serene beauty of his castle. He glares deep into the eyes of his admirer. She is amazed at his prowess. She admires seeing him fight in the blood soaked battlefield. She who is dressed in white and pink. Her hair dressed with crimsons and roses. She whose smile competes with brightest of diamond her nose is bejwelled with. Her hands as soft as new life’s first touch. She whose eyes are twinkling like the first drop of dew in the morning sunshine rays. A beauty gentle like feather and sensitive like first breath of a new born. Her veil merging with her free flowing scented hair. Her steps, supple and quiet.
They are extremes of identities. She is amazed at his raw side while he wants to feel the softer touch of life. They do come close, she caress his unshaven jaw line and feel the bruises on her palm. He who has been unknown to softer aspect, finds it confusing as a touch. She then speeds her palm on his bloodstained forehead, marks get stapled on her palm and fingers. She regrets the touch and he regrets the expression in her eyes. She then gets closer to him and then gets shocked with smell of blood and tissues getting onto her white and pink cloth. He sustains frustration of the few seconds of closeness and immediate distance. She trembles to feel his hot muscles and arms, he solicits acknowledgement for the battlefield and it’s hard surface. She unaware of the harder limbs of life, he equally away from soft thoughts and eyes of life.
She tries to walk with him but he believes in running. She is barefoot in her supple skin, he a warrior making his each step heard. She so silent and dreamy, he so spontaneous and ferocious.
He pushes her off as he notices her tears, he the warrior do not know tears – she fells with his push of rage. Melted in blood, soaked in tears, cold in shock. He rushes away, some of his blood stains lost and wiped in her tears, his body little less hot, his muscles some relaxed by now for her calm touch.
They wanted to feel the identity of the other but they could not live the identities together. One’s rashes make other’s extremely softer supple skin bleed and suffer.
They are the identities of extremes, always looking for each other but never with each other.
Opposites pull in but the observation is in the stage when attraction is realized and settled. That period is of rage, fury, reality, ashes, life check.

Secrets of Blue world – revealed

2 Sep

Welcome to my blue world.  Its decorated with bright blue lights making light blue sheets of emotions shine.  I snug with these light blue sheets, underneath me and covering me.  They give me warmth and cozy feeling.  The sky blue color chandelier you can listen to – it sings the harmony of my nerves.  It is lightened with the smile and sparkle of my eyes.  Its corner placement in the room does not make it secluded but attracts you to notice it!.  Light blue color flowers with tint of white that you see sitting pretty on the sea blue window frame, they spread the fragrance of this world around.  Freely flowing sea blue color curtains of net kissing the hazy mirror are the veils of this blue world of mine.  They give little hint to anyone about this world.  They hold it free and tight.  Several spontaneously spread cushions of all shades of blue that you adore are the bricks of my thoughts.  That is where my comfort come from and that is why you see such enormous presence of them.  They are soft and tender.  Both on their covers and with their cotton wool stuffing.  Several blue color hearts decorating the wall are the relationships I carry close, they come in all shapes, sizes, forms and shades however all shades of blue and just blue.  Dark blue rag which feels my first step of the morning and last touch on earth at night is the base that sets rhythm of my day.  The day on which it is dusty, my feet get bruised with dirt and there goes my day from blue to red.  That day I get dragged out of this blue world until my bruise stops bleeding and in process of healing turns to navy blue…color of my veins.  Open the doors of my closet, all the gifts in there are the emotions I received back.  I kept their glint intact, clean and secure even from my blue world – separate yet part of the blue world.  That is how precious they are for me.  Don’t try looking at the mirror, I know its curvy petal, rusty blue color frame appeals you making it hard fought to resist but you will be disappointed to gaze at the mirror. All you will see is reflection of deep blue ocean and not yourself.  There is no place for life reflections in this world.  All it highlights is the world around, not you not me.  Well, that is the glory as well of this blue world of mine.  It keeps you comfortable with yourself, all you see is the reflection of the world.  You realize world is bigger than you.  That it is not about you but around you, of you, for you, by you but not you!    Yes – even the cutlery of blue world comes in shades of blue.  I offer you blue curaçao drink in crystal blue wine glass.  Enjoy the minty blue rains while sipping away your drink.  Drink composed of juices of my silent whispers and messages for you.  And while you relax taking journey of my blue world, I offer you steamy soothing blue jacuzzi of my love and warmth.  Take a dip in it and relax.  Stay in the blue world, the journey is divine and fresh – I suppose.

I offer you peace and space in shades of blue.